What I Mean When I Say “I’m Depressed”

And this playground was completely abandoned afterward. That's a real tragedy.

I am depressed. I don’t mean that I’m sad or that I’m feeling a bit down lately. But I also don’t mean I’m going to kill myself. I mean that I am depressed. It is a part of me, it … Continue reading

How Being Adorable Can Get You Everywhere


New York City courthouses are notoriously bleak, soul-crushing dens of disorganized bureaucracy that–I believe–exist to fuel the universal despair that is necessary to keep a society dysfunctional. Imagine the DMV, but with more windows and less efficiency. Occasionally, I need … Continue reading

Accidental Stalker

Go stand next to a horse, Dr. Know-it-all

A little over two years ago, I got into a moderately drunken argument about argyle sweaters with Captain America. Fine, it wasn’t really Captain America, or even a guy dressed like Captain America. It was a friend of a friend who … Continue reading

Dinosaur Dreams


Sometimes, a lot of stressful things happen in your life at once. Then one kind of stressful thing happens and you’re caught up in so many emotions that it seems like the worst thing that could have ever happened to … Continue reading

Stapling, and Other Things I Would Rather Do Than Online Date

On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 through 9 not being choices, how sexy is this picture?

Despite having an online dating profile on the Internet, I am not currently a member of any dating website. I tried online dating (kind of) and I know that it isn’t for me. It’s not the “stigma,” which isn’t really … Continue reading

Stop Thinking So Much and Just…Do a Cannonball

Photo from Andy Roth

If you’ve ever watched little kids at the pool, you’ve probably seen some of them plunge, all at once, feet-first into the water. Some hold their noses as they sink to the bottom and others sit on the side, gliding … Continue reading

Future Self, Meet Past Self: A Horrifying Trip Down Memory Lane


Bozeman, Montana. Summer. 2009. My college graduation is nine months away. I am alone in my bedroom determining the fate of various remnants of my childhood and my life before New York. Most of my possessions were on the East … Continue reading